Do people really bring out the best in us when we find where we fit? I think about the challenges in my life in the past few years and the changes that have occurred. I am not one to dwell in the “what if’s” and so I accepted things the way they happened. So I wrapped myself in a cocoon of my own making. Relying on people was not an option and I came to find myself feeling guilty for friendships.
So now I wonder, if I am capable of having friends once again. Of returning the friendship that once became to burdensome for such a sorrowful time in my life. I feel the want to be with those that I felt understood me and were of similar mind and heart.
Thinking of my next blog topic has done what I intended it to do, push me beyond my comfort these last few steps of healing. Return to the beehive, the field of flowers… the mix of all that make a family, community and kinship.
I still long for my fathers voice to tell me what I already, to push me past what holds me back. I see now the lessons he could not teach me then but illustrated through time. The reverent and humble actions of my grandma Hazel who I reflect upon. The hand that held me up with strength even in her old years, never faultering or wavering, grandma Lucy. I think of them all, I think of what they have shown me…and how I have lived in order to survive…
I see now I was never meant just to survive…I was meant to live.